Sometimes you realize things you didn't want to admit...

I woke up in a pretty blah mood today which is weird because nothing bad or crappy happened last night before i went to bed with Master and a friend is coming down tomorrow to hang out for the day...Guess i've just been doing more thinking that is really a good idea today.Here's now all this started...

Last week, my best friend's boyfriend proposed to her. She asked me to be maid of honor and go ring shopping with her because he had proposed without a ring. At first i was a little amazed that all the sudden he proposed even though they have barely been together a year. Then it worked its way into making me jealous and angry at her for asking me to have such a big job because Master and i have been together nearly two years. We talk about getting married and having kids, but He always talks about waiting until we are settled in a place of our own. Currently, He is the one with the job and we can't afford a rental house on just what He makes along with paying for His cell and two cars. i really feel like i have been a terribly crappy friend for being so jealous and bitter behind her back instead of being happy for her. And i know that when the time is right Master will propose but i can't help but to feel like i should ask Him to wait until we move out. It seems a little silly for Him to ask me to marry Him when we're still living with His parents.

i've been wanting to go to college and have been trying to plan things for over a month,but lately i have been thinking that maybe i should just put it off and try to get a full time job so that i can easily help pay for a place for us to live. It would push back our plan to move to Florida so that i can get the degrees that i want but it seems like the right choice to make. i just don't know....i feel like i have been a crappy friend and a crappy slave and i hate that feeling SO much.

blah...Congrats if you read this far, i really don't even remember now what exactly i was getting at...*sigh*

love and light

So it's been a few days since i had anything new to share and i'm trying really hard to find something now...bear with me please as i try to figure out where i want to go with this post.

Well, i finally have my kef...my slave mark. Master allowed me to get it finally yesterday and it was one of the most intense experiences i have yet had getting a tattoo. i now proudly wear the Gorean kef on my right outer thigh as a sign that i am slave. i couldn't be happier that my Master allowed me to do this and loves it as much as i do. Hopefully next up will be His mark connected to the kef with a chain and collar which is something that we came up with together to make it unique to us. Every time i see it standing out against the paleness of my flesh, it fills me with wonder and amazement and a strength i wasn't quite sure i had.

i'm hoping somewhat that a reminder like that will help me in my day to day things to remember that first and foremost, i am my Masters slave. This mark will travel where ever i may go and cannot be removed. i treasure it dearly and am proud to wear it for Him.

Well, something interesting happened to me several weeks ago on collarme...i ran across a girl i knew in high school and we started talking again. she has quickly become one of my best friends as i don't have any friends in the lifestyle who live even remotely close to me. Recently she went through a rough break-up with her Dom, who i also know and Master has offered her a collar of protection which she has accepted. i'm so glad that Master and i can help her through such a hard time as she is going through and that i was able to talk her into staying in the lifestyle. i'm not really sure how everything will go from here but Master has expressed an interest in possibly offering her a consideration collar after some time hanging out and getting to know her, if it clicks for us. We've been looking for another girl for a few months and i'm really hoping that this works, not only for Master, but for myself and her as well.

Think that's all i have for now...just getting ready for the Holidays and making presents for family and close friends. After that might possibly be a vacation for Master and myself to Florida if we play our cards right. i sure hope so!

love and light

Because I wanna win cool stuff!

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Soldiers and the holidays

Alright, so Thanksgiving is now over and everyone has happily moved on to getting ready for Christmas, or Yule as I have taken to calling it. Well I started listening to the song Just a Dream by Carrie Underwood and happened on a video someone had made in memory and tribute to the troops who are overseas fighting for us. While I don't personally know anyone over seas right now I feel the need to do something for those who don't have family or friends to write to them. I recently found a website dedicated to that very purpose. I'm not trying to promote them so much as I have decided that starting tomorrow, I'm going to write a letter a day to the soldiers who don't get much, or any, mail. I feel the need to do something for those men and women over there fighting for an entire country and millions of people they don't even know. I'm hoping to be able to collect some things to send in a care package as well because they have tons of stuff listed that would be a great help to them.

http://www.anysoldier.com/ that's the website if anyone is interested in what they do. I know I can't do much, I don't even have a job right now. But I can write and send home-made cards.

So there ya go, my serious post for the next few days...I'm just really glad that I can do something, even something small for people who do so much.

 So some changes have already taken place between Master and myself...It's interesting to see Him taking an even more Dominant position in our relationship. The other night He came home from work and as instructed I had His regular pants and my collar laying out on the bed for Him waiting. He changed and called me to Tower before Him to place my collar around my neck for the outing He said we were going on. I'd never really seen Him like that, I swear it was like dominance was oozing from every pore! It was nuts. So we went to Cirillas and He picked out a new toy for my training and a cool blindfold. Back story a little here...We broke the last toy we had been using for anal training. Master loves anal and I have only done it once without much warm-up thanks to my first jackass Master. So I was a little hesitant to do much but after some coaxing from Him I really enjoyed it. Well, as stated we broke the first one several weeks ago and He finally decided that enough was enough and He was buying a new one. So we got the new one and did our best to give the girl at the counter some good places to go for information.

Well we played with the new toy that night and it was fuckin fantastic! *drools* It vibrates like fucking crazy! The blindfold really helped me to let go I think...Like when He finally told me to come, I did it. I've never been able to do that before without asking...He just said and it happened. It was definately amazing. And then a few days ago He grabbed my old leash along with one of the chains from my bondage pants and tied it tp the lower leg of the bed on my side. So now at night when I go to bed He wraps the chain around my ankle and clips it to itself. I feel secure and safe with that chain against my skin. I love it. He was even suprised when I chained myself when He forgot last night. Even when we're just hanging out sometimes I'll put the chain on, it helps ground me and it's really peaceful to have that constant reminder of what I am.

And on that note, I think I'm going to leave this topic for now and write something a little more serious.
Peace and light

Online vs real time training

Because I have trained as a kajira both online and in real time I decided to make a post about the differences of them and some good and bad things I have noticed.

Online Gor is something that I have noticed many people look down on. While I understand that training online doesn't truely ready a girl to serve real time for a Master, because every Master is different in what He likes and how He wishes His girl to do things. I do think it helps a girl get the basic knowledge and beliefs that a kajira should know into their head. I also think it definately helps train the girl to pay very close attention to detail because that is very important when doing anything. A kajira is supposed to be always graceful and feminine, pleasing to her Master and other Free she is serving. The bad side of this is that many people see online as a way to take everything from the Gor books and copy it. In real life a girl cannot be forced to be a slave, nor can someone get away with chopping anothers head off which are both things I have seen online.

Real time training is more productive I would say because if a girl is choosing this lifestyle than learning things in a real setting makes much more sense than just learning it online. A girl can do or be whatever she wants to online but she is limited by many things in the real world..her body type, health, where she lives...Lots of things.

I have learned many basics by training in an online Home and know that it has personally helped me find what many call my "slave heart".  But spending an hour doing a serve online only shows that I can write well and be descriptive in doing so. Just because I can do that online does not mean I'm going to spend an hour making my Master a cup of coffee. It doesn't make any sense! Also, the Home that I studied in uses silks as a way of showing what level a girl is at in her learning. So online I am only a white silk because Master and His family took precidence when His mom was sick. But in real life? I am whatever my Master needs me to be within what I can do. I am His sex slave, His toy, His pet...Whatever He says I am. My silk status online does not follow through to the real world because it just doesn't make sense. Online I can only serve certain things because of my ranking within the Home but if Master wanted to throw a party and someone me for something, theres no way in HELL I could tell them no.

So, that's my take on online vs real time training and learning. I may have rambled a little and wandered sometimes but I hope that it maybe helps a little or at least gives a view into what I have seen as I have done both.

peace and light

Oh the perfect pain....

Last night, Master finally decided to quench my thirst for wax play. I admit that I was a little afraid once He got the leather cuffs on my wrist and demanded that I keep them above my head. I had asked for this after all. The first one we used was a taper candle. It was the most amazing pain I have experienced yet because it dripped only one droplet of wax at a time. It was like tons of tiny pins being poked into my skin one after another. He interspersed the wax drippings with fucking. It was amazing...Every time I lost myself in the pleasure of my Master within me, He would drip more wax on me. Once I couldn't handle the single wax droplets any longer He blew out that candle and found a votive candle to use instead so that the wax fell more in pools and would cover more area. All in all it was a great experience that I very much hope to try again soon.

Sadly, I did learn something about why Master was so against doing many new things with me. I hadn't really realized how much I rebel against new things, be it food or in the bedroom. So I'm going to work harder on just letting go and letting Him call the shots. It really makes me feel like a crappy kajirae when it's so easy online to obey everything He says but at home things are so different. I'm still really hoping that moving out will change things for us because we will have the privacy needed to do whatever He wishes. He has already told me that things will change when we have our own place and that my role in our relationship will no longer be hidden. I'm really very excited for the idea of the rituals and rules He will be putting in place when the time comes. But for now I am going to try to be better for Him and work on letting go and truely giving Him control.

love and light

Ok, so I figured that I would elaborate a little on how we keep kink in our relationship while living at home with His parents. It's not exactly easy to do and I know that sometimes I get cranky because we don't have the time/space/privacy to do the things that we both enjoy beyond sex.

So, usually we wait until both of His parents have gone to bed before we do anything. Because of the way the house is and where His dad sleeps, we have to be quiet with everything otherwise he'll hear. I've become pretty damned good at being mostly quiet during sex so we don't have to worry about that. I have a love of thuddy toys like crops, floggers, paddles and those definately are too loud. He has figured out that laying the handle of the flogger in His lap and taking a few strands to hit my thighs with gives a good sting while not making too much noise. If He wants to use the whole flogger He usually just hits alot softer than He otherwise would.

Another thing we like to play with is sensations. Ice cubes and candles are really good sensation play items while also being silent...well maybe not silent. *grins* Sometimes a girl can't help but be a little noisy! Also just being cuffed and blindfolded is something that I have learned to really enjoy as it ups the sensations against my skin, while being part of the things that we can do without being overly noisy.

Gonna jump back to not being able to wear my collar much for a moment here. He made my collar for me about 3 or so months into our relationship. Yes, we started out vanilla. *gasp* It's black leather, kinda thick, with a D-ring in the middle and two small spikes on each side. It looks very gothy and I can't sleep in it due to the spikes. I also cannot wear it often unless we are out because it makes His parents uncomfortable and they are kind enough to let me live here with Him even though it goes against what they were taught and their religion. Sometimes it's hard on me that I can't really wear my collar. It's the one thing that almost any slave would say reminds them of their place. So we have been trying to think of other things that I can do/wear to remind me until we get a steel collar. Very interested in sleep bondage...Just a chain from the bed and then around my ankle. Something that I would have to wear while sleeping or while at home to kind of act as my collar.

Hopefully soon I will have some stories and other fun things to add here. I'm going to be working on my writing as well so i'll post those here as I finish them. I may also post random recipes because I love to bake and I love being able to share my awesome recipes with other people.

love and light

How I got here

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